Church time

Sitting here. By myself. Husband doesn’t come. Son didn’t wanna come. Almost hid in the kids classroom until it was time to start Wednesday night classes for the 3rd and 5th graders. Decided I need to stop being a hermit. I figured I’d look like a fool sitting by myself. But I’m not a fool. It makes me strong. Plus there are plenty of others. It’s a step in a different direction for me. I already stepped outside my box and decided to volunteer at church. That was a very big step for me. I’m a hermit. A recluse. I have a hard time being around people. Social anxiety. Plus they seem sort of clicks sometimes. It makes ya feel kind of weird. Not belonging. However I have to tell myself I’m not here for the people. I’m here to become closer to God. To serve Him. For Him.

I have to stop caring what people think of me. What I think people see when they look at me.

It never matters. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t make me any different. It doesn’t make me less or more of a person. In the end I’m still me. Ashley. Bipolar. A little crazy. Possibly two personalities. Heck maybe more. Who knows! πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

So If you’re like me. Stop caring. πŸ›‘ just be you. Embrace it. Learn to control it. But love yourself. No matter who you are.

Merry Christmas y’all.

Laters. πŸŽ…πŸ»

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Ask for what you need.

Keep knocking. Persistently and shamelessly knock on Gods door. Consistently ask for what you want and you shall receive. I’m horrible at praying. I can’t remember to. I can’t seem to find the right time or I should say make time because I’m always tied up in a video game, Work or just plain lazy.

My vow is to keep asking for what I need and thanking Him for what he’s already given me.

I ask for the mindset I need. I’m not asking to NOT be bipolar anymore. I think the Lord has blessed me with this mind for a reason. I am bipolar mania and I married my husband who I’m pretty sure is bipolar depressive. Opposites attract right? πŸ˜† sometimes we are completely on different ends but every once in awhile we meet in the middle. Those moments are amazing!

Hopefully one day I’ll learn to manage my mouth, my thoughts, and whatever else seems to need managing.

Laters. πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’ž

Anxiety is going to be the death of me πŸ’€β˜ οΈ

Ok so I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder March if last year. I went on Ativan and it helped. Of course. However I quickly needed more and more. I became addicted. Not as in a high but because the anxiety wouldn’t stop. My body needed higher dosage to help the anxiety. 

I finally weened myself off. After a quick cold turkey try that went horribly wrong. Please don’t ever quit Ativan cold turkey. It could kill you. 

So I went by for about 8 months. No anxiety. No issues. Nothing. Until last week. I started having the tightness of my chest agin. Then the migraines set it. Then the constant shakiness, th and feeling they something is extremely wrong with me medically otherwise. Then my father in law passed away Saturday. It’s been one shitty Memorial Day weekened. So the anxiety got worse. I started having severe pain in my upper left abdomn. So yeah I thought my spleen or pancreas was going to burst. I could barely walk from the pain. I couldn’t sleep. At all. Every single time I’d dose off I’d jolt awake and scare myself. I kept having the  thought  I was falling. Now I just get the random pains in my chest and my chest is tight. I have tried taking warm baths, hot showers, cold showers, lavender, pure magnesium, eating more yogurt and most of all my breathing exercises. Nothing was helping. I frantically searched my house last night and found my Ativan. I’m not extremely 100% better but I will say it helped. Immediately. I don’t want to be on this medicine. I read what it does to our bodies. A little background for you I hate pills. I don’t like that pharmaceutically made junk in my body. God didn’t intend for it to be put ther so neither do I. I got off the Ativan once. I know I don’t need it. But does anything have any other permanent solutions??? I’d be greatful. 

Laters. ❣️