Church time

Sitting here. By myself. Husband doesn’t come. Son didn’t wanna come. Almost hid in the kids classroom until it was time to start Wednesday night classes for the 3rd and 5th graders. Decided I need to stop being a hermit. I figured I’d look like a fool sitting by myself. But I’m not a fool. It makes me strong. Plus there are plenty of others. It’s a step in a different direction for me. I already stepped outside my box and decided to volunteer at church. That was a very big step for me. I’m a hermit. A recluse. I have a hard time being around people. Social anxiety. Plus they seem sort of clicks sometimes. It makes ya feel kind of weird. Not belonging. However I have to tell myself I’m not here for the people. I’m here to become closer to God. To serve Him. For Him.

I have to stop caring what people think of me. What I think people see when they look at me.

It never matters. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t make me any different. It doesn’t make me less or more of a person. In the end I’m still me. Ashley. Bipolar. A little crazy. Possibly two personalities. Heck maybe more. Who knows! πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

So If you’re like me. Stop caring. πŸ›‘ just be you. Embrace it. Learn to control it. But love yourself. No matter who you are.

Merry Christmas y’all.

Laters. πŸŽ…πŸ»

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Ask for what you need.

Keep knocking. Persistently and shamelessly knock on Gods door. Consistently ask for what you want and you shall receive. I’m horrible at praying. I can’t remember to. I can’t seem to find the right time or I should say make time because I’m always tied up in a video game, Work or just plain lazy.

My vow is to keep asking for what I need and thanking Him for what he’s already given me.

I ask for the mindset I need. I’m not asking to NOT be bipolar anymore. I think the Lord has blessed me with this mind for a reason. I am bipolar mania and I married my husband who I’m pretty sure is bipolar depressive. Opposites attract right? πŸ˜† sometimes we are completely on different ends but every once in awhile we meet in the middle. Those moments are amazing!

Hopefully one day I’ll learn to manage my mouth, my thoughts, and whatever else seems to need managing.

Laters. πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’ž

6 months…:

6 months and I haven’t posted. I also haven’t changed. I’ve found old notebooks I journaled in. I read old blogs I posts. Lord have mercy I’m just bipolar as I don’t know what. Lol

I guess medicine doesn’t really help me. I’m on trileptal. I became toxic to lithium. Weird. I get a stoned feeling off of trileptal. I guess that’s nice. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

I don’t think I’ll ever not be bipolar. I am who I am. I guess I just have to embrace it. However as life goes on I’ve learned to recognize my symptoms of mania vs. depression more and more. I just wish I could recognize it a little better in the moment.

Christmas is here. I love Christmas time. People become more giving. A little happier. It’s always nice. Since I feed off of others emotions.

I don’t know why I stopped blogging. It def helped me. Maybe I’ll start again. I don’t know.

Well…. laters I guess. πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒ ❀️

It’s been awhile. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Well it’s been sometime before I posted last. Good note. Headaches stopped.  Bad note. No idea why I was getting them. So get this:

Doctor says it’s stress and allergies

ER doctor said it was from stopping coffee 

Chiropractor says it’s called Upper Cross and from sitting at work all day

Neurologist said it’s Anxiety

Psychiatrist says it’s my Bipolar

Sooooooo in other words. No one knows. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Well I stopped getting them. But I’m back on lithium for my bipolar. I realized that no matter how aware I am of my bipolar and no matter how understanding I am I just cannot control it. So I’m back on lithium and we shall see. It’s helping quiet my mind a little bit. Leaving me feel less and less like a schizophrenic. I guess one day at a time. 

Laters ❀️

πŸ™ŒπŸΌ Day 2 of CBD πŸ™ŒπŸΌ

Ok so this morning and throughout th  day I have been taking CBD oil through the vape. I feel amazing. I feel stress free, happy, no headaches, calm and just amazing. Praise the Lord. I give thanks to the Lord first because I got down on my knees last night and cried after my last blog and begged for Mercy for pain releif. πŸ™πŸΌ

I don’t know if it’s the placebo effect or if it’s the CBD itself but I feel awesome today. Everyone else has even commented on how I am acting and I seem more relaxed. I give it to God first though. Because He is the one that made this happen. He created the plant. He created the people that cultivated the plant and those that found Out what CBDs do. 

Thank you Father. Please allow this to continue. 

Laters. πŸ’•
Ps. If you’re still skeptical of what marijuana and hemp can do please take the blinders off and for one second look past what it does to you. Yes people get high from it but it has so many medicinal properties and reasons behind it also!!! 

Being let down…

Give it to God, Let it go.

Sometimes the ones you love are the ones that have a tendency to let you down. It hurts right? It’s rough. You expect those that are close to never do that to you. You expect more. We feel betrayed and hurt and left out and unloved. 

I have two options at this point. I can hold a grudge, remain mad 😑 and hold ill feelings inside. It makes you feel angry holding onto it. It makes you feel upset and for me it produces anxiety. Or I can chose the other option; I can give it to God and let it go. I have taken care of it myself. I have asked Him to help me let it go and allow the just to he treated fairly. Sometimes it’s hard to let it go. Trust me. Letting it go is much healthier both mentally and physically and emotionally than not letting it go. 

So if you hold ill feelings towards another for being wronged, let it go. 

🎼 🎀🎡🎢 ❄️❄️ Let it Go, Let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore. β„οΈβ„οΈπŸŽΆπŸŽ΅

Laters. πŸ’™πŸ’œ