Sitting here. By myself. Husband doesn’t come. Son didn’t wanna come. Almost hid in the kids classroom until it was time to start Wednesday night classes for the 3rd and 5th graders. Decided I need to stop being a hermit. I figured I’d look like a fool sitting by myself. But I’m not a fool. It makes me strong. Plus there are plenty of others. It’s a step in a different direction for me. I already stepped outside my box and decided to volunteer at church. That was a very big step for me. I’m a hermit. A recluse. I have a hard time being around people. Social anxiety. Plus they seem sort of clicks sometimes. It makes ya feel kind of weird. Not belonging. However I have to tell myself I’m not here for the people. I’m here to become closer to God. To serve Him. For Him.
I have to stop caring what people think of me. What I think people see when they look at me.
It never matters. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t make me any different. It doesn’t make me less or more of a person. In the end I’m still me. Ashley. Bipolar. A little crazy. Possibly two personalities. Heck maybe more. Who knows! 🤷🏻♀️
So If you’re like me. Stop caring. 🛑 just be you. Embrace it. Learn to control it. But love yourself. No matter who you are.
Merry Christmas y’all.
Keep knocking. Persistently and shamelessly knock on Gods door. Consistently ask for what you want and you shall receive. I’m horrible at praying. I can’t remember to. I can’t seem to find the right time or I should say make time because I’m always tied up in a video game, Work or just plain lazy.
My vow is to keep asking for what I need and thanking Him for what he’s already given me.
I ask for the mindset I need. I’m not asking to NOT be bipolar anymore. I think the Lord has blessed me with this mind for a reason. I am bipolar mania and I married my husband who I’m pretty sure is bipolar depressive. Opposites attract right? 😆 sometimes we are completely on different ends but every once in awhile we meet in the middle. Those moments are amazing!
Hopefully one day I’ll learn to manage my mouth, my thoughts, and whatever else seems to need managing.
6 months and I haven’t posted. I also haven’t changed. I’ve found old notebooks I journaled in. I read old blogs I posts. Lord have mercy I’m just bipolar as I don’t know what. Lol
I guess medicine doesn’t really help me. I’m on trileptal. I became toxic to lithium. Weird. I get a stoned feeling off of trileptal. I guess that’s nice. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t think I’ll ever not be bipolar. I am who I am. I guess I just have to embrace it. However as life goes on I’ve learned to recognize my symptoms of mania vs. depression more and more. I just wish I could recognize it a little better in the moment.
Christmas is here. I love Christmas time. People become more giving. A little happier. It’s always nice. Since I feed off of others emotions.
I don’t know why I stopped blogging. It def helped me. Maybe I’ll start again. I don’t know.
Well…. laters I guess. 🙂🙃 ❤️
Well it’s been sometime before I posted last. Good note. Headaches stopped. Bad note. No idea why I was getting them. So get this:
Doctor says it’s stress and allergies
ER doctor said it was from stopping coffee
Chiropractor says it’s called Upper Cross and from sitting at work all day
Neurologist said it’s Anxiety
Psychiatrist says it’s my Bipolar
Sooooooo in other words. No one knows. 🤦🏻♀️
Well I stopped getting them. But I’m back on lithium for my bipolar. I realized that no matter how aware I am of my bipolar and no matter how understanding I am I just cannot control it. So I’m back on lithium and we shall see. It’s helping quiet my mind a little bit. Leaving me feel less and less like a schizophrenic. I guess one day at a time.
So my mind has been alllllll over the place. Anyone else get overly “thinkative”. Totally not a word but I like it so I’m sticking with it. I quit coffee. Not for ever, but I realized I needed to cut back. Cafe Bustelo is my weakness. 2 cups a day to cold turkey. Big damn mistake. Caffeine withdrawal is really a b****. So yeah. First came the headache. Next came the irritability. Then the insomnia and lastly the anxiety. Now my brain won’t shut the fudge up. It’s all over the place. Now I have been having thoughts about who knows what all day. Thoughts of me dying. Thoughts of me having cancer. Thoughts of things happening to my son or my husband…. it’s ridiculous.
Ok seriously brain. sometimes this brain needs to literally just stop working overtime. Like 8-5 is good enough for me. But this brain decides it wants to work overtime everyday. I can’t. Is it just the caffeine withdrawal or what? I can’t seem to relax. I think it’s anxiety but not sure. My thought process cracks me up though. Who else can go from thinking of giraffes to potentially losing their dog to a bear attack!! This girl! So my question is how do I calm this brain down. I know it’s a lot of reasons right now but how do you stop your brain from over thinking. Anyone out there have any idea!!! Any suggestions are helpful.
Is there really such as thing as being too emotional. Is there really such a thing as taking everything personal. Am I too sensitive. Or are people just assholes. I’m not sensitive to those I don’t know or care about. But the ones closest to me. Words hurt. More than people know. I just cannot wrap my head around people sometimes. Is it me!? Has it always been me? Am I really that sensitive. Or are some people just straight up assholes? I can’t tell anymore. I honestly have no idea anymore. 🤔 I ponder this thought. 💭 I don’t know. Anyone have any answers for me. I think it’s the borderline personality. It has to be. It has to me being that sensitive because just wow sometimes. Fucking wow. Ok that was a bit much I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m trying so hard to become a better person. God forgive me. Lord please help me.
Later. I guess. Meh. 💟