I’ve been in that slump lately. Last few weeks. My marriage seems to be falling apart again. Yet it’s really not and a lot of it is on my head. I’ve been lonely. I feel so lonely at times I search for attention in the wrong places. My husband and I are far from a perfect couple. Some people might say we are poison towards each other or toxic. Yet me being me knows that this man has not had a normal life either. So I forgive. A lot. Sometimes it’s harder than others. Yet I’ve realized that the only thing I need to focus on is me. Change. I need to change this brain. So I plan on changing a lot. I’ve decided that evrery time I have an emotion like anger or hate or resentment I’m going to do the complete opposite. I’m going to always try to be positive. Even if my husband isn’t. So I’m going to change. Change my attitude. Change my thinking. Change my behavior. Change my entire life. Could it help? Who knows. However I know that if what you’re currently doing is not working then you’re making no progress at all. So I’m gonna change, change and change some more. Yes a piggy bank full of changes.
But if I get off track can someone please smack me?! K thanks.
I feel like it’s absolutely necessary that I post a blog while sitting on Starbucks!!!
Starbucks has got to be with the dark side. I mean who seriously charges almost $6 for a drink I can make myself at home!? Well…if I were to make the drink at home I guess I wouldn’t be sitting in Starbucks waiting for my Grande Chestnut Praline Latte, nonfat, no whip. Yes I’m that girl. Basic they call it? I’m not sure who actually starts these new age words that are used. Basic white girl that loves Starbucks. Yep that’s me. Yet I sit and look around me and wonder who else struggles the way I do on a daily basis. Sometimes I just wanna walk up to someone and hug them. For no reason.
I watched a bunch of YouTube videos last night about didgeridoos. My husband gets completely engulfed in new fads overnight. Sometimes those fads have cost us some money. 😑 yet his passion that he has for these things is amazing. He’s a sanguine though. They never last long. Yet I sat there watching these videos and my mind starts wandering about how there is a man sitting in the middle of the woods in Australia right now with barely any clothes living even more basic that I’ll ever have to endure. Yet we tend to look over the positive advancements that we have and aren’t as grateful as we should be in this world.
Still waiting on my drink at Starbucks. Gonna be late to work. This is why don’t feel grateful. We want one thing but we can’t even get a coffee on 5 minutes. Oh well. Walking out the door without my drink in a few.
Wasted money? Nah. Just appreciate my job more than coffee.
Sooo I start my last class for my Bachelors degree. My senior project. I ended up talking to one of my classmates last night for what seemed to be a lengthy conversation about our project. Mostly I think he just wanted to talk about himself…but I’ll be nice. However after getting off the phone with him I felt this overly abundance amount of doubt. I doubted myself for everything I’ve done over the last four years. Have I even learned anything? I even mentioned to him I feel like I’m going to be letting the group down because I have absolutely no experience whatsoever in this job field yet. I told my husband who responded with honey this is why you are going to school. Yet I can’t shake this feeling of making the wrong decision four years ago. Then I tell myself this is how your brain works compared to others. I have always excelled at anything I’ve ever learned, done, any job I have had. Yet I always fear failing. I don’t want to being others down. I’ve been putting this project off for so long because I think I’m realizing that there could potentially be a major change in my life on the future. An entire new job and career field and here I sit feeling like I know nothing, have learned nothing and will fail. Yet I’ve accomplished more on my life than I realize. So yet again BPD you tried to win. You attempted to take over my thoughts and brain and win. I won’t say I win this time but let’s just call it a tie. I know this is all because of my wonderful brain but how do you learn to change something that’s been one way for so damn long???
BPD vs. Ashley. What a great year this will be.
The start of a new me. So far two chapter down and I already have more hope than I started with. I want to personally thank this man one day. His loss has made me gain. Wow.
That’s how we all feel now for those that have had off after Christmas. 12 days vacation and I’m not excited to be back. At all. However; I’m excited for the new year. I want to try to get my mental health issues, specifically my BPD under control. I want to grow closer to God and get rid of the negative people in my life.
I need to focus on ME this year. Instead of worrying about everyone else and what they think of me or what their negative atrtributes are. I need to fix me. I can’t do that without Gods help. I’ve never stated I was a great Christian. Actually I think I used the words crappy Christian. Im going to fix me. Hopefully. So, here’s to a new year. A new life. And hopefully new friends that will promote the minuscule amount of positivity on my brain that’s left.
Now. Work. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhh
Well. I’ve been sick for the last week and a half. Today’s the first day I feel well. However that’s not my issue. My issue is my head of mine. Sometimes I can almost step out of my body and look at me. How I interact with others. How I think. How I engage. How I Look. Feel. Smell.
It’s amazing what you don’t see about yourself. Your own minor imperfections that you never knew you had. I mean really minor. Of course I know I’m emotional. I understand I have low self esteem. Blah blah blah.
I mean the super minor imperfections. How I constantly overtalk others. How I’m overly excited to meet new friends. How I’m pushy. Obnoxious. But people are so used to me that they tolerate it. They know that’s “just Me”. The worst part is when I see the “super minor imperfections” along with the other issues I have and why am this way but I cannot seem to stop the quirks. I just can’t seem to actually allow myself to change. Sometimes I ramble and it doesn’t make sense.
Well here it is Christmas Eve and I stand here crying. Why? Because my husband and I are legit fighting over eating chocolate chip morsels. My sons 12 and doesn’t wanna have the time to do things together anymore. My mothers by herself. My fathers deceased. I tried so hard to make today a happy day for everyone but it always backfires. Then I’m left alone. Sad. Depressed. Wondering why I the person that tries to make everyone else happy is always left sad. And alone. Life’s sucky sometimes. Guess I’ll make the damn cookies for other. Constantly giving. Never getting. Oh well. Heaven will be a great place one day.