Anxiety is going to be the death of me πŸ’€β˜ οΈ

Ok so I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder March if last year. I went on Ativan and it helped. Of course. However I quickly needed more and more. I became addicted. Not as in a high but because the anxiety wouldn’t stop. My body needed higher dosage to help the anxiety. 

I finally weened myself off. After a quick cold turkey try that went horribly wrong. Please don’t ever quit Ativan cold turkey. It could kill you. 

So I went by for about 8 months. No anxiety. No issues. Nothing. Until last week. I started having the tightness of my chest agin. Then the migraines set it. Then the constant shakiness, th and feeling they something is extremely wrong with me medically otherwise. Then my father in law passed away Saturday. It’s been one shitty Memorial Day weekened. So the anxiety got worse. I started having severe pain in my upper left abdomn. So yeah I thought my spleen or pancreas was going to burst. I could barely walk from the pain. I couldn’t sleep. At all. Every single time I’d dose off I’d jolt awake and scare myself. I kept having the  thought  I was falling. Now I just get the random pains in my chest and my chest is tight. I have tried taking warm baths, hot showers, cold showers, lavender, pure magnesium, eating more yogurt and most of all my breathing exercises. Nothing was helping. I frantically searched my house last night and found my Ativan. I’m not extremely 100% better but I will say it helped. Immediately. I don’t want to be on this medicine. I read what it does to our bodies. A little background for you I hate pills. I don’t like that pharmaceutically made junk in my body. God didn’t intend for it to be put ther so neither do I. I got off the Ativan once. I know I don’t need it. But does anything have any other permanent solutions??? I’d be greatful. 

Laters. ❣️

Grief

It’s strange how losing someone close to you makes you realize stuff. God Bless the man we lost today and that he continues on with his legacy above. We will miss you dearly. For the Lord has decided it’s your time and although we will never know why or how we must continue on. You were my father after I lost my father. You have accomplished great things in life and you shall continue to remain in our hearts. ❀️

For it is always later and never goodbye πŸ’•

Thoughts πŸ’­ and how to stop them……

So my mind has been alllllll over the place. Anyone else get overly “thinkative”. Totally not a word but I like it so I’m sticking with it. I quit coffee. Not for ever, but I realized I needed to cut back. Cafe Bustelo is my weakness. 2 cups a day to cold turkey. Big damn mistake. Caffeine withdrawal is really a b****. So yeah. First came the headache. Next came the irritability. Then the insomnia and lastly the anxiety. Now my brain won’t shut the fudge up. It’s all over the place. Now I have been having thoughts about who knows what all day. Thoughts of me dying. Thoughts of me having cancer. Thoughts of things happening to my son or my husband…. it’s ridiculous. 

Ok seriously brain. sometimes this brain needs to literally just stop working overtime. Like 8-5 is good enough for me. But this brain decides it wants to work overtime everyday. I can’t. Is it just the caffeine withdrawal or what? I can’t seem to relax. I think it’s anxiety but not sure. My thought process cracks me up though. Who else can go from thinking of giraffes to potentially losing their dog to a bear attack!! This girl! So my question is how do I calm this brain down. I know it’s a lot of reasons right now but how do you stop your brain from over thinking. Anyone out there have any idea!!! Any suggestions are helpful. 

Laters. πŸ–€

I just don’t get it πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Is there really such as thing as being too emotional. Is there really such a thing as taking everything personal. Am I too sensitive. Or are people just assholes. I’m not sensitive to those I don’t know or care about. But the ones closest to me. Words hurt. More than people know. I just cannot wrap my head around people sometimes. Is it me!? Has it always been me? Am I really that sensitive. Or are some people just straight up assholes? I can’t tell anymore. I honestly have no idea anymore.  πŸ€”  I ponder this thought. πŸ’­ I don’t know. Anyone have any answers for me. I think it’s the borderline personality. It has to be. It has to me being that sensitive because just wow sometimes. Fucking wow. Ok that was a bit much I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m trying so hard to become a better person. God forgive me. Lord please help me. 

Later. I guess. Meh. πŸ’Ÿ

Purpose……

Have you ever wondered what your purpose is in life? I do. Quite often. I’m a Christian so of course I believe I’m here for a reason. I feel lately where I’ve become closer to learning that purpose. Almost like it’s staring right in front of me and I don’t even realize it. 

The love of my life is absolutely wonderful and amazing at times but with most people we all have flaws. I wonder if my purpose is here to help him. I had someone today at work tell me they need more people like me in the world….yet I wish I wasn’t me. I need to know. Why am I here. Have I already fulfilled my purpose on this planet and have missed it? Is it standing right in front of me. Is my purpose so tiny it may pass on by? So many questions. So many unanswered questions. I guess that’s where faith and praying come into play. 

My addiction to my Xbox has become….well….out of control. Yet I thoroughly enjoy playing video games. I like to help people. I like talking to people who have issues like mine. Apparently I’m easy to talk to. Or so I’ve Been told. I want to help people. I want to help people understand that there is help out there. That there is a way to be mentally sane. Or as I call it “normal”. Most people tell me I shouldn’t call it “normal” because let’s be honest there’s no criteria for what is normal. However, my idea of normal is not over reacting to things said to me, not having emotional breakdowns, or anxiety attacks. Normal is not feeling an emotion time 1000!! Sometimes I wish I could just be fun and spontaneous without having to worry about my emotional state. The anger. Oh the anger. The crying. The happiness. Everything I feel is time 1000! Maybe one day. I’m always a step closer. 

Ranting and raving. Always. Never a dull moment with me. 

Laters. πŸ’