Church time

Sitting here. By myself. Husband doesn’t come. Son didn’t wanna come. Almost his in the kids classroom until it was time to start Wednesday night classes for the 3rd and 5th graders. Decided I need to stop being a hermit. I figured I’d look like a fool sitting by myself. But I’m not a fool. It makes me strong. Plus there are plenty of others. It’s a step in a different direction for me. I already stepped outside my box and decided to volunteer at church. That was a very big step for me. I’m a hermit. A recluse. I have a hard time being around people. Social anxiety. Plus they seem sort of clicks sometimes. It makes ya feel kind of weird. Not belonging. However I have to tell myself I’m not here for the people. I’m here to become closer to God. To serve Him. For Him.

I have to stop caring what people think of me. What I think people see when they look at me.

It never matters. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t make me any different. It doesn’t make me less or more of a person. In the end I’m still me. Ashley. Bipolar. A little crazy. Possibly two personalities. Heck maybe more. Who knows! πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

So If you’re like me. Stop caring. πŸ›‘ just be you. Embrace it. Learn to control it. But love yourself. No matter who you are.

Merry Christmas y’all.

Laters. πŸŽ…πŸ»

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Ask for what you need.

Keep knocking. Persistently and shamelessly knock on Gods door. Consistently ask for what you want and you shall receive. I’m horrible at praying. I can’t remember to. I can’t seem to find the right time or I should say make time because I’m always tied up in a video game, Work or just plain lazy.

My vow is to keep asking for what I need and thanking Him for what he’s already given me.

I ask for the mindset I need. I’m not asking to NOT be bipolar anymore. I think the Lord has blessed me with this mind for a reason. I am bipolar mania and I married my husband who I’m pretty sure is bipolar depressive. Opposites attract right? πŸ˜† sometimes we are completely on different ends but every once in awhile we meet in the middle. Those moments are amazing!

Hopefully one day I’ll learn to manage my mouth, my thoughts, and whatever else seems to need managing.

Laters. πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’ž

6 months…:

6 months and I haven’t posted. I also haven’t changed. I’ve found old notebooks I journaled in. I read old blogs I posts. Lord have mercy I’m just bipolar as I don’t know what. Lol

I guess medicine doesn’t really help me. I’m on trileptal. I became toxic to lithium. Weird. I get a stoned feeling off of trileptal. I guess that’s nice. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

I don’t think I’ll ever not be bipolar. I am who I am. I guess I just have to embrace it. However as life goes on I’ve learned to recognize my symptoms of mania vs. depression more and more. I just wish I could recognize it a little better in the moment.

Christmas is here. I love Christmas time. People become more giving. A little happier. It’s always nice. Since I feed off of others emotions.

I don’t know why I stopped blogging. It def helped me. Maybe I’ll start again. I don’t know.

Well…. laters I guess. πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒ ❀️

It’s been awhile. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Well it’s been sometime before I posted last. Good note. Headaches stopped.  Bad note. No idea why I was getting them. So get this:

Doctor says it’s stress and allergies

ER doctor said it was from stopping coffee 

Chiropractor says it’s called Upper Cross and from sitting at work all day

Neurologist said it’s Anxiety

Psychiatrist says it’s my Bipolar

Sooooooo in other words. No one knows. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Well I stopped getting them. But I’m back on lithium for my bipolar. I realized that no matter how aware I am of my bipolar and no matter how understanding I am I just cannot control it. So I’m back on lithium and we shall see. It’s helping quiet my mind a little bit. Leaving me feel less and less like a schizophrenic. I guess one day at a time. 

Laters ❀️

CBD is a yes for meΒ 

Day 3. The bodies are starting to stink. Just kidding.  But I betcha I got someone’s attention. 😝 anywho day three of the CBD oil. Still no headaches. I had a set of anxiety today but my ears got clogged for some random reason causing severe pressure so I assumed it was something else wrong with my brain. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ 

My hubby calls me a hypochondriac. He’s kinda right. Well I don’t think there’s things wrong with me. I freak out there may be. Is that the same thing!? I don’t know. But anywho. The CBD oil has been wonderful. God is amazing as always. I’m excited for the oral CBD oil to come tomorrow. 

Ps. The clogged sinuses were from blowing the vape through my nose. lol apparently I have super skinny sinus ducts. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ #lessonlearned My Indian name shall be “blow through mouth” 

Laters. ❣️

πŸ™ŒπŸΌ Day 2 of CBD πŸ™ŒπŸΌ

Ok so this morning and throughout th  day I have been taking CBD oil through the vape. I feel amazing. I feel stress free, happy, no headaches, calm and just amazing. Praise the Lord. I give thanks to the Lord first because I got down on my knees last night and cried after my last blog and begged for Mercy for pain releif. πŸ™πŸΌ

I don’t know if it’s the placebo effect or if it’s the CBD itself but I feel awesome today. Everyone else has even commented on how I am acting and I seem more relaxed. I give it to God first though. Because He is the one that made this happen. He created the plant. He created the people that cultivated the plant and those that found Out what CBDs do. 

Thank you Father. Please allow this to continue. 

Laters. πŸ’•
Ps. If you’re still skeptical of what marijuana and hemp can do please take the blinders off and for one second look past what it does to you. Yes people get high from it but it has so many medicinal properties and reasons behind it also!!! 

CBD might be for me…..

So I’ve been miserable. For over a month now. I started with headaches over a month ago that gradually increased to migraines. I guess I have a moderate to small amount of stress but extremely high anxiety. I count two anxiety attacks within the last month and a half. It’s been a rough few weeks. The migraines are horrible. I’m deathly afraid I have a tumor. “it’s not a tumor”  I’ve been wanting to use that. Anyways.
 All jokes aside I’ve been to the doctor and then the ER. The migraines won’t subside. But they aren’t always migraines. They’re tension headaches, stress headaches and also anxiety headaches. Doc said it was stress and allergies. ER said it was a combo of it all. Chiropractor says it’s my back. So I got adjusted. Have to do these Exercises for “upper cross” as he called it. Computer or Tech neck.

 Apparently it’s society today. I sit at a conputer for 8 hours. Then I did 4 years of schoolwork. I played video games and have an iPad and a cell phone. My own fault. Anywho. So after like six prescriptions, a call to the neurologist (who isn’t available until September) im laying here with a splitting headache. I’ve been taking magnesium, Omega-3, imitrex and muscle relaxers as neeed and the typical naproxen or excedrin migraine. Still hours later a headache. I literally want to rip my skull off. It’s horrible. 

Me being me, googled other treatments.  I can’t smoke weed anymore. I have anxiety attacks. No matter the strain or the type. I’ve tried both sativas and indicas as well as hybrid. All good grade stuff. Even Reggie is out of the question. CBD for anxiety. So side note, I’m praying it’s still not a tumor but I’m pretty sure it’s my anxiety. It’s ridiculous. I start to hyperventilate for no reason. 

So I bought a bottle of CBD oil tonight. I think it’s only like 100mg which is a lower dosage but I can work my way up. I bought the vape juice instead of the edibles. Just because I don’t trust endibles from a tobacco store. Lol  r commended dosage is 20mg to start. My husband filled up the tank and I puffed away. Now I know I don’t get high. That’s why I wanted it. And I’ve read I won’t feel the effects of CBD immediately as most don’t but over time it will show. 
However after a long day of anxiety and headaches I started to feel relaxed and the headaches was there but more tolerable. I must have taken 15 hits before anything. I got giggly but could be the placebo effect. But I stopped. An hour later boom. Massive headache back and even worse. So I said ok a few puffs and I’m going to bed. Well there’s nothing major happening yet but I have my hopes high. I felt a small effect from a small dosage so who knows what the higher dosages will do. 100mg is very low dose but if I start low I might not need as much as long as it’s a constant. We shall see. 

Say some prayers for me that this helps anxiety because I hate medicine and that the headaches ceases immediately. Love you guys that actually read these. 

Laters. πŸ’š (because green is appropriate right now πŸ˜‰)